Key & Peele – Boxing Press Conference


– THIS IS THE FIGHT
EVERYBODY’S BEEN WAITING FOR,
BUT WHEN I GET ANDRE
IN THE RING, MAN,
IT’S GONNA BE CRUEL
AND QUICK,
‘CAUSE IT’S GONNA BE, LIKE,
ONE-TWO, ONE-TWO, BOOM,
AND YOU OUT.
– MAN, [bleep] YOU,
CLAUDIUS LEWIS.
I’M GONNA [bleep] YOU
RIGHT IN THE ASS.
YEAH, I’M GONNA
BEND YOU OVER
AND [bleep] YOU
RIGHT IN THE ASS[bleep].
– ALL RIGHT,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
ANDRE, HE LIKE TO BE–
TRY TO GET INTO
HIS OPPONENTS’ HEADS
BY SAYING CRAZY STUFF.
HE AIN’T GONNA
GET INTO MY HEAD.
HE AIN’T GONNA GET
INTO MY HEAD.
– NO, I’M NOT GONNA
GET IN YOUR HEAD.
I’M GONNA
GET IN YOUR ASS[bleep]
JUST LIKE I SAID,
JUST RIGHT UP IN THERE
IN THAT TINY, LITTLE,
MINISCULE ASS[bleep] OF YOURS.
THIS IS WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN.
I’M GONNA TAKE YOU
TO A NICE,
HIGH-FANCY,
HIGHFALUTIN RESTAURANT,
AND I’M GONNA BUY YOU THINGS,
WINE AND DINE YOU.
AND WE’RE GONNA FIND SOME THINGS
THAT WE HAVE IN COMMON,
AND THEY’RE GONNA
BECOME INSIDE JOKES TO US.
AND THEN, WE’RE JUST GONNA
LAUGH ABOUT THEM IN THE TAXI
ALL THE WAY
TO YOUR HOUSE,
WHERE I’M GONNA [bleep] YOU
IN THE ASS.
– OH, OKAY, NOW, JU–
JUST ME P-PERSONALLY,
I’VE NEVER–
YOU KNOW,
I AIN’T EVER SEEN ANDRE
TAKE IT THAT FAR BEFORE,
BUT–
[chuckles]
WHAT–WHATEVER.
– YEAH, WHATEVER.
I’LL TELL YOU WHATEVER.
WHATEVER, I’M GONNA FINALLY
GONNA FEEL COMFORTABLE
TAKING YOU OUT
TO DINNER PARTIES.
AND THEN, ALL OF OUR FRIENDS
WHO ARE ALSO COUPLES,
THEY’RE JUST
GONNA LAUGH AT US
‘CAUSE WE’RE THAT COUPLE
THAT HOLDS HANDS ALL THE TIME.
AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
CLAUDIUS.
WE LOVE EACH OTHER
SO VERY MUCH
THAT NO MATTER
HOW TIRED I AM,
NO MATTER HOW MUCH BULL[bleep]
I’VE DEALT WITH OVER THE DAY,
I’M JUST GONNA
LEAVE IT AT THE DOOR
WHEN I [bleep] YOU
IN THE ASS.
– OKAY,
YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN?
IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO STOP
ALL THAT NONSENSE
RIGHT NOW, ALL RIGHT?
DID HE JUST SAY HE WAS GONNA
TAKE ME TO DINNER PARTIES?
– HE DID SAY
“DINNER PARTIES.”
– WE’RE GONNA SNUGGLE
ON THE COUCH EVERY NIGHT.
I’M GONNA LET YOU
PICK THE MOVIE,
EVEN THOUGH YOU ALWAYS
PICK THE MOVIE.
THEN I’M GONNA TAKE YOU OUT
FOR A WALK ON THE BEACH,
AND THE MOONLIGHT’S
GONNA BOUNCE OFF OF YOUR SCALP.
AND I’M JUST GONNA KISS YOU
SO TENDERLY
WHILE THE WAVES BREAK, AND THEN
RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THEN,
I’M GONNA [bleep] YOU
IN THE SANDY ASS[bleep].
– ALL RIGHT, IT’S TIME FOR YOU
TO SHUT YOUR FOOL MOUTH!
– IS IT? IS IT TIME?
– YES, IT IS TIME.
IT’S TIME FOR YOU
TO SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
– WE GONNA SPEND
THE GOLDEN YEARS TOGETHER.
– OH, YEAH?
– YEAH.
– OH, YEAH?
– YEAH.
I’M GONNA SUPPORT YOU
ALL THE WAY
THROUGH YOUR RUN
THROUGH CITY COUNCIL.
YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT,
AND YOU’RE GONNA BE TIRED,
AND EXHAUSTED,
AND OVERWORKED,
BUT WE’RE GONNA
STILL FIND THE ENERGY
TO GO ANTIQUING ON THE WEEKENDS.
– OH, YEAH?
AND THEN, YOU’RE GONNA
BE ON YOUR DEATHBED,
AND YOU’RE GONNA
BE SITTIN’ THERE,
AND YOU’RE GONNA BE DYIN’.
AND I’M GONNA
BE RIGHT BESIDE YOU,
AND I’M GONNA BE CRYIN’.
AND RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT
WHEN YOU CROSS OVER
FROM THIS WORLD
INTO THE NEXT,
I’M GONNA [bleep] YOU
IN THE ASS[bleep].
– OH, MAN,
I WISH YOU’D TRY.
– OH, YOU DO?
– I WISH THAT YOU WOULD TRY.
– WELL,
WISH [bleep]ING GRANTED.
[laughter]
NO, I LOVE THE VILLAGE
AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY,
BUT I’M TELLING YOU,
IF WE CONTINUE
TO SELF-SEGREGATE OURSELVES,
THE ENTIRE GAY COMMUNITY’S
GONNA CONTINUE
TO BE “MARGARINE-IZED”
I WAS JUST SAYING THIS
TO CLAUDIUS THE OTHER NIGHT
RIGHT AFTER I [bleep] HIM
IN THE ASS.
– YEAH, HE DID,
HE DID.
– ANYWAY, ENOUGH POLITICS.
CHEERS, EVERYONE.

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